Elevate your communication with active listening
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
— Stephen R. Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
How many times have you been in a conversation where it felt like the person on the other end was more interested in their own comments than in what you had to say?
Active, or engaged listening, is what actually connects people in conversation, changing the dynamics from speaker vs. listener to → speaker AND listener working together for mutual understanding. When you start paying attention to your conversations, you may notice how often the person you’re speaking with (...or you) is listening to respond – just waiting to add their comment or be the one to put a bow on the topic at hand.
There are many different kinds of listening, but this speaker-listener technique is one of my go-tos… and one of the most foundational ways to build trust on your team. Get ready to improve your conversations!
Cues that tell you it’s time to listen differently:
Once you start paying attention, you’ll notice that people give a lot of clues when they’re wanting more of your attention. Their are indicators that show the change to active, objective listening.
Subtle cues might include…
“I need to talk to you about…”
A shift in facial expressions (ex: from enthusiastic to more reflective)
They might take an audible deep breath
Or there might be a more obvious comment, like:
“I’m struggling with this project and I’m not sure how to handle it..”
“I don’t know how to move forward with…”
“I need help with…”
These cues tell you it’s time to transition from chatty or bantering mode to a more mindful form of actionable communication (... it will serve you well in your personal life, too).
Evaluate the urgency
There will be times when a teammate or team member comes to you and you’re unable to give them your undivided attention. It’s okay to ask “do you need to talk with me right now?” After you hear their response, you as the leader need to make a conscious decision whether you need to redirect your attention to them now, or ask if you can discuss at a later time.
Leaders don't have to drop everything all the time – you’d never get anything done! Consider this: When one employee comes to you and distracts you, what happened to the initial employee you were helping? It can quickly become a vicious cycle, and it all comes down to making good decisions in the moment. This all requires self-awareness, discipline, and practice.
Keep in mind that behind your response is an opportunity to influence their opinion of your leadership – you can win trust points by a) making time for the interaction then and there (if you can do so without sacrificing other needs) or b) slowing down to ask about the urgency and redirecting to a later (but ASAP) time where you can give them more of your attention.
What does active and engaged listening look like?
Active listening is listening with discipline. You’re transitioning your brain from on-the-surface listening to deeper listening, and that switch is something you need to consciously execute. Suddenly it’s time for you to drop everything and listen.
Tune in to your self-talk.
As the switch to deeper, active listening is happening, be mindful of what you’re feeling and thinking.
“I don’t want to do this right now.” “I don’t have the energy…” “What’s coming?” – these thoughts can all sabotage your ability to truly listen, so shut them down quick!
2. Ask
In an active listening scenario, you don’t necessarily have to have an agenda or have anything prepared. Your main goal is to stay present, be with the person, and keep your ears open.
Identify an open-ended question or two you can use to kick off the conversation. Not only will this invite your teammate or team member into a space where they can get things off their chest, it will encourage a detailed response so you can get the big picture of what they’re thinking and feeling.
3. listen
Lean in and let them do the talking.
Pay attention to verbal cues and body language – and not just theirs. Stay engaged by nodding along and encouraging them to continue with affirmative phrases or facial expressions.
While they’re talking, really pay attention. Refrain from mentally preparing your response or rebuttal. Remember: Listen to understand, not reply. (This isn’t easy!)
Don’t feel the need to fill silence. When they pause, pause with them. The pause can be an indicator that the most important thing is coming, and that they care deeply enough to choose their words carefully.
4. clarify
Periodically, reflect back what you’ve heard so a) you’re not making assumptions and b) they know they’re being understood.
Bringing it home
A recent Salesforce Research study revealed that when an employee feels heard, that person is 4.6x more likely to feel empowered to perform to the best of their ability. That’s a pretty astounding number. It’s easy to see how learning to listen well can truly drive organizational success.
Ask. Listen. Clarify. Active listening is an amazing tool for building trust on your team and helping team members feel heard and understood. As the calendar turns, I challenge you to make this one of your leadership development goals for the coming year!
Lead the way,
PS – Go deeper with these additional resources:
What is Active Listening? | Center for Creative Leadership
3 Active Strategies for Engaged Listening | GoodTherapy
The Power of Clarifying Questions – And How to Improve Team Conversations | Fearless Culture
An ex-FBI agent explains “forensic listening” | Fast Company
Keys to Effective Communication | Matz Learning Solutions
